Thyrien
Hymns Of the Mortals, Songs Of the North (1cd)
Wydane przez Massacre RecordsRok wydania 2014Kraj FinlandNapisał Flemming Gabin3
Oh please, make it stop already. Another folk metal band from Finland, the land of Armi Päivinen, that has absolutely nothing to add, but somehow is able to land a record deal? There is no justice in this world. Vittu tätä paskaa. More of this polka metal shit? I’m not nearly drunk enough to enjoy this… This is just what we needed. Another band of fucken Finns that can’t decide whether they want to mimic early Children Of Bodom, or that horrible polka band Kivimetsan Druidi. Odin fucken well knows that Kivimetsan Druidi only landed a record deal cos Leeni-Maria Hovila has really big fucken tits. At this point I find it more fucken interesting that Leeni-Maria and Armi Päivinen both spent time in the same band prior to their current gigs. For fuck’s sake, try harder already. Unlike you I actually got better stuff to do. Was the CEO from fucken Massacre Records high went he offered these clueless fucken clowns a contract? The fuck is this shit?! Seriously, this whole ridiculous folk metal fad is, at least, a decade over its fucken prime, and we certainly don’t need more these fucken pea-brained yokels clogging up the airwaves. This shit ain’t funny no more. For fucken reals. By now I had hoped that Leeni-Maria Hovila had taken her top off, or at least quit her band to do something productive. Like, I dunno, knitting, or belly-dancing. Not even copious amounts of alcohol intake can make this dreadful record more tolerable. Believe fucken me, I’ve tried. Remember in the mid 90s when folk metal was brooding, dark and atmospheric? This horrible piece of shit band is nothing of that, and there are Agalloch records that are more scary. Vittu että vituttaa niin vitusti! If you’re going to peddle sub-mediocre crap to us at least pretend to fucken care, or at least contract a band that has a really hot or big boobed female singer. There’s a fucken science to this. I mean, for fuck’s sake, who cares about a bunch of scrawny Finnish men wearing embarrassing war paint? Even the fucken godawful Turisas can’t sell that shit no more, and they were supposedly the cream of the crop. And give it a rest with those fucken polkas melodies and “Hey! Hey! Hey!” choruses. You’re pretending to be a fucken metal band, so stop it with the pop-punk attitude, you fucken hare-brained inbreds. No matter how many lightning fast Bodom solos you throw at me, I don’t play that fucken way. I’m not 14 years old anymore, and unlike sexually frustrating Hot Topic shoppers, I actually have fucken standards, you fucken abysmal talentless hacks. This shit makes me fucken projectile vomit. I hope your rehearsal studio burns down. Painu hevon vittuun!
www.massacre-records.de
