Magenta Harvest
Volatile Waters ()
Wydane przez Inverse Records/Secret EntertainmentRok wydania Kraj FinlandNapisał Flemming Gabin4
Instead of wondering what happened to Nicola Marie Peck and when she will do new Only Tease photoshoots, I’m left wondering what the fuck it is with fucken Inverse Records and their insistence to contract the absolute worst the Finnish scene has to offer. Holy fucken shit, this is goddamn awful. What the fuck does Magenta Harvest even mean?! It starts off somewhat solid as a groovy, bass-heavy take on “Clayman” In Flames and the like, but shit gets worse from there on. A fucken explosion of suck. Fucken god-awful limp US metalcore infused groove “death” metal that make Killswitch Engage sound like Brodequin. Then there are fruity keyboards that make Dino’s Cheese Factory sound scary and the most impotent, fucken inconsequential two-note chugging this side of fucken latter-day Kataklysm. Shit, dudes. No, I mean it. This is fucken shit. Who is responsible for all these “death” metal signings over at Inverse Records? Where the fuck do they live? So I can fucken bash their stupid head in. When did Finntroll singer Mathias Lillma*ns decide to join as many crappy local metal bands as possible? Holy fucken shit, guys. I mean, fuck, Chthonian was pretty decent for what it was – but this… This is an entire new level of fucken terrible. What exactly is the purpose of Magenta Harvest? This sounds like an emo version of Chthonian, a band that itself was a watered down, populist dudebro version of Finnish death metal. His shouts and grunts are good as ever, but those cringe-inducing emotional clean vocals make me want to put fucken needles in my ears before I start to fucken projectile vomit. The fucken horror! Fuck me, this is awful no matter how you fucken spin it. Does the tempo even change once in this fucken record? No. Spare me the fucken bleeding heart explanations. It’s not like the guy is getting fucken rich whoring himself out like this. “Volatile Waters”? What’s so fucken volatile about this inconsequential, middle-of-the-road populist crap excuse of a metal record? Why the fuck is this band even signed? Who fucken buys this crap? I could be getting drunk right now, or fantasize about fondling Carianne Barrow’s boobs – but no, some stupid Finnish band put out a record that needs fucken reviewing. I’ve about had it with all these stupid Finnish bands. So, fuck you Magenta Harvest. May your shit explode, and may your rehearsal studio be snowed under. Not even the presence of Armi Pai"vinen, Veronika Toivokoski or Noora Federley could save this godawful excuse of a “death” metal record. I hope Lillma*ns wakes up from his drunken stupor one of these days cos he’s fucken embarrassing himself here. So, as Lily Allen said long before I did: “fuck you. Fuck you very much.”
www.inverse.fi
