Eibon La Furies
The Immoral Compass ()
Wydane przez Code 666/Aural MusicRok wydania Kraj UKNapisał Flemming Gabin5
For fuck’s sake, try harder. We all know symfo black metal has always been fucken pretentious for as long as it has been around. These UK fuckwits dub themselves ‘Victorian metal’ and think that’s a free pass from criticism. Well, I got news for you, fucko. It isn’t. This isn’t Victorian metal, this is poor circus metal. Symfo metal is only as strong as its production, and “The Immoral Compass” is on all fronts hampered by a subpar production. I get it, I really do. You didn’t have the budget to record at Academy Studios with Mags for a few weeks, but would it have hurt to record your fruity synthesizers, effects and drums there? No. Odin knows even Hecate Enthroned’s first two albums sounded better than this. Hey, your fucken Victorian sound effects and ambient segues are actually pretty good. For fuck’s sake, either do something entirely or don’t do it at all. I don’t have the patience for this, nor am I drunk enough to enjoy it. “The Immoral Compass” (I keep thinking “The Immoral Code”, that porn where Sabathan fucks that unattractive, flat-chested girl) doesn’t know what it wants to be, and I fucken hate it for that. Either do this Victorian metal thing, or just ditch it and be a mediocre fucken black/death metal band. At least try to sound evil, you know. Just saying. Geez, fire your stupid singer while you’re at it. He is fucken terrible. What is it with these whispered rasps of his? Was the girlfriend in the next room and he didn’t want to wake her? Fuck, if I know. I get it. I really do. You think your Victorian gimmick is enough to hide how fucken stupid, pointless and underproduced your actual metal component is. It isn’t. Maybe stupid kids and hipster douchebags fall for these ploys, but I certainly don’t. I’ve about had it with these fruitcake bands and their high concept records. Shouldn’t we be asking some metal again in our extreme metal? Revolutionary concept, I know. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so this band hails from the UK, and we all know that the best thing they have going for them is that obsession with Page 3 girls and glamour models in general. No, really. Instead of wondering how Lucy Collett manages to walk upright or how her natural assets continue to defy gravity, I’m wondering how this band even landed a record deal in the first place. Who okayed this? Were they drunk, or high? That would explain a lot. I could have been scanning the interwebs for more Summer St Clair, Emma Kuziara or Carianne Barrow photoshoots – but no, Eibon La Furies had to put a record out and spoil that fun pastime. Well, luck runs out, fuckos. I’m going to do that. This record goes nowhere, and I have better stuff to do than this. Creep back to whatever rock you crawled under from. Wake me up when you mesh this stuff better, I’m not interested otherwise.
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