Conan Barbarzyńca

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Conan Barbarzyńca

01-06-2020, 15:48

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Napisałem sobie artykuł do zina, ale jako że nie każdy go przeczyta, postanowiłem podzielić się też tutaj, dla tych, którzy znają angielski;)

Is “Conan the Barbarian” a Western movie?

Nothing is to be treated too seriously in this world. The article you are going to read is no exception.

The original idea was to write a piece about "Conan the Barbarian" (1982) movie, and that's it. So I lay down on my couch and thought that there was no simpler thing in the world. A short article. Nothing much. A gimmick for the readers who are into those things, really, and for myself - a recap of what I already know, plus some funny trivia to be found on the Internet. So I sat down and started thinking how to begin. Thoughts swirled around my head like protons and electrons around an atom. I wrote two sentences, and deleted one. Started anew, and soon realized that I just have too many ideas to keep it short and concise. I could just as well write ten articles about Conan. Ultimately, there could be a whole issue of the zine dedicated to Conan alone. How about the background of Conan's world? Conan as a proto-masculine figure? Conan - a robber who never really robs? Mythological motifs? It dawned upon me, finally, that choices need to be made. So here we are. We are going to prove that Conan is a western movie.

Why is this article here in the first place? First of all, because I like it, and it's my zine. Yeah, I know, not the best reason. Second, more importantly, "Conan the Barbarian" movie is inextricably linked to dungeon synth. Basil Poledouris' soundtracks to both Conan films are an inspiration for numerous dungeon synth projects, especially, but not exclusively, neoclassical ones: Barbarian Frost, Barbarian King, Seregost, Barak Tor and Murgrind are just a few that come to my mind first. Sword and sorcery movies are a huge source in the genre as such, and Conan is THE sword and sorcery movie.

So, without further ado, let's prove that "Conan the Barbarian" is a western too.

A STORY OF DEATH AND REVENGE

We first meet Conan when he is just a kid around 8 years old, in a forest village in the middle of nowhere. Soon, the village is raided by Thulsa Doom and his soldiers wearing something that could be put together into an exhibition entitled "Funny helmets throughout ages", and having hair vaguely reminding us of early Iron Maiden. Soon, all the villagers are dead, Conan's father is pierced with a sword, and his mother beheaded by bad-to-the-bone Thulsa Doom. Conan spends the rest of the movie pursuing revenge, as his sole purpose in life seems to be killing Thulsa Doom - who is a mix between a heavy metal star and a frog. I know it's not nice to make fun of somebody's face, but damn, I think about a frog every time I watch the film.

Revenge is one of central western movie motifs. In 1976 "The Outlaw Josey Wales" (starring Clint Eastwood), Josey Wales, a Missouri farmer, is driven to revenge by the murder of his wife and son by a band of pro-Union militants from Kansas Brigade, led by brutal Captain Terrill.

In "Da uomo a uomo" ("Death Rides a Horse") from 1967, a classic spaghetti western movie, Lee Van Cleef plays Bill. When just a kid, Bill witnessed the murder of his parents by four bandits. A dozen or so years later, he is still sworn to find and kill them. He meets Ryan, who is looking for the same people, and so they team up and search together - much like Conan and friends he makes along the way.

And what about "Once Upon a Time in the West" (1968) starring Charles Bronson? Why does Harmonica-man begin his adventure in the first place? You guess. A fun fact: Charles Bronson was also taken into consideration to star in "Conan".

THE TRAINING

So young Conan is taken prisoner and led to a giant grinding wheel, and pushes it for the next ten or so years. Judging by the outcome, it must be the best goddamn workout ever, since Conan is a massive figure now. If Michelangelo saw him, he would run for his chisel like crazy. Soon Conan is released (kinda…) and his training as a pit-fighting gladiator commences. By his sword he rules. To avenge his parents, he must first learn how to fight.

Coming back to "The Outlaw Josey Wales" - guess what Josey does after grieving his wife and son? Does he come back to farming beans? Of course not. He takes his gun and goes practicing, and then joins a group of pro-Confederate Missouri bushwhackers.

We could gut the topic out here, but the fact is that every western in which there are scenes from the protagonist's youth, contains some flashbacks on how he learnt to shoot.

THE OBLIGATION TO BEAR ARMS

Conan is finally released from captivity and roams the land. Long story short, he falls into a cave where he finds the sword of Atlanteans. Without his swords and axes, Conan is pretty much dickless. The sword is basically his arm protruded. Interestingly, this sword cost $10,000 to make and Arnold Schwarzenegger had to train two hours a day for three months to make it look weathered and increase his combat skills. As far as I know, he still owns it, and kept it in his office when he was the governor of California, letting the visitors swing the sword as much as they wanted without actually killing anyone. Pretty cool, if anyone asked me.

Obviously, western's protagonists do not carry swords, and for a simple reason - they carry guns. A man is worth as much as his ability to shoot straight and fast. The nickname "The fastest hand in the West" is the highest achievable honour. The final shootout scene is also essential for the genre. We can easily assume that western movies revolved around guns, and if anyone wanted to have a really abstract or hilarious western movie, they would make a protagonist who either can't shoot or doesn't do it because of ethical reasons ("Carry on cowboy", 1965). Listing gun-centered westerns would be like listing dungeon synth projects inspired by Mortiis, or plants that are green.

A SOLITARY PARAGON OF MASCULINITY ROAMS THE LAND

For some time Conan seems to wander rather aimlessly, forgetting about his quest for revenge. He gets in fights. Gets drunk. Gets imprisoned. Even when he is among other people, there's a strong impression that he is not really one of them. Introvert, Conan almost never speaks, even to his beloved Valeria. Fun fact: after they meet, Conan says a word to Valeria. She speaks to him, he doesn't respond. There is some wisdom here, I believe.

How does it compare to spaghetti westerns? Clint Eastwood is the ultimate paragon here: his creation of the Man with no name from the Dollar Trilogy, most notable film being "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly", bears striking resemblance to Conan, or rather it's Conan who bears striking resemblance to the Man with no name. What's more, Clint's face rarely ever twitches, one of the reasons being that Eastwood had it partly paralyzed when young. And when the Man teams up with anyone, it is only to reach his own personal gains. It's noteworthy that some of Conan's friends, Valeria and Subotai, die along the way. It's probably sad, but it doesn't stop Conan from pursuing his goal. I guess that he calculated inconveniences into the adventure costs.

WOMAN WITH A HEART OF GOLD

When Conan meets Valeria, she is caught red-handed trying to break into the tower of snake-worshippers. Accidentally, Conan and Subotai share the same goal, and thus, Valeria joins the team, proving once and for all that common interests are crucial for a healthy relationship. She is a warrior as well, and falls in love with Conan pretty soon - I mean, who wouldn't? Conan, however, apparently has more important things in life than settling down and starting a family, so he leaves Valeria when she's asleep. They are reunited when Conan is found crucified on the Tree of Woe, pecked by a vulture. By the way, it was a real vulture in the first shot, but it turned out that the bird really tried to get inside Arnold's neck, so the director replaced him in the close-up to an artificial mascot that looks terribly funny when you look carefully, and the tables turn - now it's Conan who's doing his best to bite off vulture's head. Later, when all the team is fighting for Conan's spirit not to be taken to the underworld by a bunch of nasty demons, Valeria is seen almost ready to give up her life - which she finally does. Her ultimate appearance, deus ex machina, shows her valkyrie-style spirit saving Conan's ass once again. Does Conan ever do anything like that for her? Nooooo...

The motif of a hooker with a heart of gold (or whore with a heart of gold, or the tart with a heart) has been well known for centuries. It involves a courtesan or prostitute with a hidden integrity and kindness. It's an example of irony: an allegedly immoral woman who demonstrates virtues absent in a woman morally correct for the role. This character is usually peripheral and serves as a go-between. This motif goes back very, very far into the past, some example being Rahab in the biblical Book of Joshua, or Mary Magdalene (who was not a prostitute).

In the context of Western movies, examples are abundant. We have already mentioned "Once Upon a Time in the West". One of the core characters there is Jill, a former prostitute who arrives at her new home and a freshly wedded husband just to see him and his children slaughtered by a band of bandits. There's also Dallas in "Stagecoach" (1939), an ultra-classic of the genre, Frenchy (the saloon singer played by Marlene Dietrich) in "Destry Rides Again" (1939) and Helen Ramirez in High Noon (1952).

SPANISH COUNTRYSIDE, BOTH WILD WEST AND FANTASY REALM


"Conan the Barbarian" was partly filmed in the countryside around Madrid, Spain. The Cimmerian village was built in the vicinity of Segovia. The Wheel of Pain, on the other hand, in the province of Avila, while most outdoor scenes were shot in the province of Almeria which offers semiarid climate, diverse terrain (deserts, beaches, mountains and structures remembering Roman and Moorish times that could be used for a variety of settings).

At this point it is already clear that spaghetti westerns of Sergio Leone were at least of SOME importance here. We've already mentioned a couple of them, including the Dollars Trilogy with Clint Eastwood and "Once Upon a Time in the West". There is a good reason why they were called spaghetti westerns, and that's first of all because most of the directors were Italian, and second, although they usually told stories from the Wild West, they were actually shot in Italy and Spain. There is no reason to enumerate all the locations, but just for the record, let us be known that "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" was filmed, among others, in Spain: neighbourhood of Madrid, Burgos, Granada and Almeria.

BLOODSHED

Is "Conan..." a brutal film? The answer may come as a surprise: it might be relatively brutal for general audience, but for this type of film it's quite benign. I mean, come on: it's a story of a giant barbarian running around and killing people with various weapons, basically. Still, if we take into consideration some of the B-class films of those times (and that was the era of some really bizarre horror movies), there's not that much blood flowing. Of course, it's not entirely just to compare a big Hollywood production to some minor classics, but it is known that "Conan..." was originally much more savage and cruel, but those scenes were cut out.

What does it have to do with westerns, though? Well, westerns also started as rather peaceful (comparing to later eras) films about justice and action. Death and shootouts were there, but devoid of ferocity of barbarians. It all changed when spaghetti westerns came along, and the best picture to illustrate that is probably that of Clint Eastwood riding away towards the setting sun with a cart full of dead bodies. Oh, Clint, you funny type! Spaghetti westerns garnered some really critical remarks at the beginning. Reviewers called them cold-blooded, ruthless and wicked, and on top of that claimed that this barbarity serves no other purpose than calling upon our lowest instincts. They might have been right, but nobody really gives a shit about it today.

SHOWDOWN

Theoretically, the final climax of "Conan..." is the scene at the temple stepe in which the protagonist kills Thulsa Doom, thus fulfilling his furious vengeance. Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger throws a fire bowl which is supposed to fall on the balcony, but he misfired. The whole set burned to the ground and the scene couldn't be repeated. That's what we see in the final cut.

A much more interesting scene is still the Battle of the Mounds. Conan, Subotai and Mako prepare for the fight by setting up booby traps and exploiting the terrain. Then, even though they are vastly outnumbered, they withstand the blows and the battle ends in victory.

Seemingly hopeless fights against all odds are the bread and butter of the western era. It is by being outnumbered that the protagonist has a chance to show agility in gunslinging. Some typical examples would be:
- The opening scene of "Once Upon a Time in the West" when Harmonica arrives at the train station and meets a welcome party of three gunfighters
- "High Noon" and the final solitary fight against the returning outlaws
- "The Magnificent Seven" (1960) - all the film revolves around the theme of seven gunslingers defending a poor village against dozens of Mexican plunderers

SO, IS "CONAN..." A WESTERN MOVIE OR NOT?

When I was sitting down to write this article, I thought it will just be fun. Something along the lines of, you know, "What kind of pizza is Conan?". When I'm finishing it, I'm not so sure if it's just fun anymore. It looks like I convinced at least one person, which is myself, that "Conan..." indeed is a western movie. And mind you - I'm not easily convinced! Of course, one can ultimately argue that all movies are westerns - and probably find some convincing arguments - but here, it looks like there are more arguments for than against. Still, please, don't take it too seriously. Next article for #3: "Are "Moomins" a western series based on "Tombstone?".
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Re: Conan Barbarzyńca

02-06-2020, 20:15

Ale się rozpisałeś, pigmeju:)

To oczywiście żart, bez żadnej złośliwości. A pozwoliłem sobie zażartować, ponieważ recenzowany film posiada pewne niekwestionowane walory komiczne. Arnie kiedy stara się grać jak prawdziwy aktor, jest zawsze komiczny, w tym pozytywnym znaczeniu. Tak się złożyło, że przed kilkoma dniami odświeżyłem sobie to dzieło. Jest to bardzo dobry film fantastyczno - przygodowy. Chyba jednak nie nadaje się dla dzieci - zbyt wiele potencjalnie traumatyzujących scen. Bawiłem się w liczenie gołych biustów i wyszło mi 4 pary, a to też niemało. Czyli wg mnie już prędzej można sklasyfikować "Conana" jako film gore albo nawet film dla dorosłych, niż jako western. Ale tekst ciekawy i inspirujący i chyba dobrze, że zawiera konkluzję, aby nie traktować tego zbyt serio.
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