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close x Least Worst Option is the new and independently operated media review project of long-time Masterful Magazine scribe Wouter Roemers. He will remain with us, while doing his own project. The goal is to cover metal records, both old and new, in greater length and detail on comparison to the more compact reviews people have come to expect here. Least Worst Option will cover mostly metal records, but will occasionally venture into pop territory to keep things interesting, coverage of old and new video games is something to be found there as well. Check out all of this and more at www.leastworstoption.com .

Flemming Gabin, Masterful Magazine’s resident misanthrope and regular drunken and angry reviewer, has his own dedicated blog at www.flemminggabin.wordpress.com - where he publishes his own often incoherent and incomplete thoughts on various extreme metal albums. Flemming is somewhat of a recluse, so we have not included his postal address on this site. You can sent your promos to the known addresses, and we’ll pass them on to Flemming for his usual, insultive and confrontational coverage. In due course, some of the Flemming’s reviews will also be translated into Polish, due to popular demand.

Least Worst Option and Flemming Gabin are on FaceBook too! So "like" them, share them and remember to visit them regularly.

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  • Calvaiire - " Forceps " (France)

    Throatruiner Records
    Odin knows that Mastodon is a really fucken stupid hipster band that needs to die. Calvaiire are from France, and are fucken angry for some reason. Fuck knows I like me some fucken hardcore every once in a while. "Forceps" lives up to its fucken title. It feels like a well-placed fucken right hook, and a kick to the fucken groin. Holy crap, dudes. Does this band sound pissed off and angry. I could do without the fucken sludge metal parts, but I suppose otherwise it wouldn’t appeal to a lot of people, or to wiling teenage girls. Just fucken saying. Anyway, so yeah, this is fucken 90s hardcore – and while it is hardly fucken reinventing the genre, it at least remembers why it does what it does. Which is more you can fucken say about the underground metal scene at large. By Ruby Jones’ tits, this is actually pretty amazing. Yeah, the artwork is fucken necro. I mean, holy fucken shit, this could have been used for an old Bill & Jeff’s Excellent Retirement Plan record. Back when they were still good. You know, a fucken hundred years ago, or so. I don’t know about you fucken assholes, but for once a promo doesn’t ruin my mood, or inspires me to get fucken obscene and insanely drunk. Just fucken saying. That doesn’t happen a lot. I have no fucken idea whether the hardcore scene is big in France, but if this is any fucken indication I need to check it the fuck out. The vocals in Calvaiire are fucken evil, dudes. Holy fucken shit. This guy should just bite the fucken bullet, and join a real fucken grindcore band. The guy is wasting his talent here. I swear that dude sounds like the fucken ninja from the now entirely fucken shitty Leng Tch’e. The record is sung entirely in French, but what I do understand is that these guys are fucken pissed at everbody. Which is the only fucken right thing to do cos people are just fucken stupid, metalheads included. While the average metalhead will only associate France with that terrible band Gojira, I’d rather associate it with fucken Massacra. "The Final Holocaust", dude. That’s where it is at. Just fucken saying. You know, I have been talking about that fucken Canuck band Lucid Skies recently, but this shit is just plainly fucken better. For fucken reals, guys and girls. Holy fucken shit. If you stupid kids and hipster douchebags don’t like it, so fucken be it. It’s your fucken loss. Fuck you and fuck off already. http://www.throatruinerrecords.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Descend - " Wither " (Germany)

    Inverse Records
    Descend are from Stockholm, but actually sound like a 90s Gothenburg band. To be fucken honest, I thought this band was German going by their sound cos this sounds a lot like Fragments Of Unbecoming, or Golem. You know, fucken kraut metal bands trying to sound Swedish. Anyway, this is the first Swedish band on Inverse Records to my fucken experience and it is actually is… good. Who the fuck knew, right? The past three records from that label went from absolutely fucken terrible to tolerable – here’s another worthwhile band to add to that fucken list. I was under the fucken impression that Inverse only signed bands from Finland, the land of Armi Païvinen. Who the fuck cares? It could have been a lot fucken worse, like another stupid metalcore band ripping off the shitastic "Slaughter Of the Soul", or fucken In Flames, or God Dethroned. By Odin, it could have been a lot fucken worse. Just saying. Anyway, this sounds like a fairly typical melodic death metal band. I’ll never fucken understand why this is labeled as "progressive". I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: being like everybody else is not being progressive, that is called being conformist. It’s all fucken here, tho. Iron Maiden riffs, rasping and growled vocals, plenty of rocking solos, prominent bass guitar lines, acoustics and the tempo isn’t too high. "Wither" is as cliché and pedestrian as its fucken album title. It’s all perfectly functional, and it is a breather of a record in between the usual fucken barrages of sloppy underground death metal, or fucken lo-fi necro forest black metal. All fucken jokes aside, "Wither" is actually pretty tolerable – not the type stuff that excites, but this is actually far better than it has any right to be. Especially if you consider that this fucken genre has been regurgitated by every two-bit scumbag with a guitar since… I dunno, 1998? So Descend play melodic death metal that isn’t completely fruity, and occasionally even sounds fucken evil. I know. What the fucken odds? Personally, I’d rather fantasize about Holly Eriksson’s ginormous boobs. Yeah, fucken priorities. "Wither" is interesting if you never heard pre-"Clayman" In Flames or fucken early Dark Tranquillity. The fucken thing is that Descend does it genre pretty well, even though it has no right to be. Geez. That isn’t to say I fucken hate this record. Fuck no. I actually enjoy for what it is. Oh sure, it hardly fucken reinvents the genre, and the production is way too fucken smooth sounding – but at least these fucks know what they are doing. That cannot be said about the majority of the underground. You know, this is a fucken record that I can listen sober. Which doesn’t happen all that fucken often. So yeah, sometimes standard works. Fuck off. http://www.inverse.fi comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Exile the Traitor - " Denounce " (Scotland)

    Self-financed
    Just when you fucken thought it was safe again, here’s another deathcore band inspired by the horrendously awful "Slaughter Of the Soul" by At the Gates. No, really. Exile the Traitor (who the fuck comes up with these names?!) is actually pretty tolerable, as they are more death metal than –core, thank fucken Odin for that. Anyway, "Denounce" is only a fucken three track EP – which is a major selling point cos if I have to hear that one lame At the Gates pop metal riff in one more song, I swear I’m gonna start bashing in heads and snapping necks. Holy fucken shit, dudes. Vary it up already, for fuck’s sake. At least vocally this sound more like, I dunno, Decapitated when they were still relevant. Not that that is much a fucken commendation, but that’s the best I can make of it. Do I hate modern deathcore, its bands/fans and the culture it represents? You fucken betcha. Do I hate this band? Not really. I hate to sound like a fucken broken record, but it could have been a lot worse. I could be subjecting myself to the horrors of Waking the Cadaver, or Rings Of Saturn. No. Exile the Traitor at least have the decency to have only minimal elements of the widely despised deathcore genre. For which I am fucken thankful, cos if deathcore has proven anything, it is that that subculture is even more retarded than the larger metal culture of which it is part. I know, right. Metallers are functionally illiterate for the most part, and felon for the other. So yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you in the ass. Geez. "Denounce" is a lot of things but it mostly is inconsequential, redundant and a bit stupid – but what else is new? Nothing. Water is still fucken wet, and Robb Flynn is still a major douche. Yeah, this is tolerable, but hardly the kind of stuff that makes me take notice. I’m sure some basement label is waiting to snatch these guys up to send them on tour with another bunch of semi-illiterate, partly criminal bunch of high school dropout to play at all stinking divebars. If that sort of stuff tickles your fucken fancy, go for it. Been there, done that. It’s fucken overrated, for one and that whole "support the underground" nonsense gets one so far. Yeah, dude. The underground is dead, we fucken buried it. Long live the new flesh! I will continue to sit here waiting for an actual honest-to-Odin good deathcore band. I’m not holding my breath for it ever happening. I got plenty of stuff to do. Like getting criminally drunk, or banging my fucken alpha dog head to real death metal. I shall now fucken denounce you from my iTunes. http://www.facebook.com/ExileTheTraitor comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Mist - " Demo 2013 " (Slovenia)

    Self-financed
    The way I fucken see it, women in East-Europe have two career options. Either go in the adult industry, or choose a fucken career in underground metal. I usually don’t get excited whenever my manager talks about getting promo mails from East-Europe. They are fucken terrible, that’s what. So yeah, Mist is different. Mist is an all-female doom metal act from Slovenia. Odin knows good doom metal is hard to come by, and female-fronted doom is even more rare. Besides fucken Dérketa, or Mythic from, you know, way back fucken when. I didn’t even realize there were other bands in Slovenia besides Bleeding Fist, Cvinger and Dickless Tracy. Just fucken saying. Anyway, Mist consists of five young girls from Slovenia, of which at least three are ridiculously cute. Seriously, Nina Spruk (the singer), just look at her. Can she possibly get any cuter? Holy fucken shit, dudes. The way she sports that tight Morbid Angel shirt is just fucken unreal. As you can probably fucken guess Mist is inspired in copious amounts by Black Sabbath like about every other doom metal in fucken existence. I have no idea what the fucken songwriting process of this demo looked like, but I’m pretty sure it included an unreal consumption of ganja and gallons of beer. These two tracks, ‘Phobia’ and ‘The Living Dead’, sound seriously smoked out and the fucken band pictures are psychedelic. I like to fucken imagine that the songwriting consisted of the girls cavorting around in their underwear, having a pillow fight, with candles burning and incense all over the room. Then again, I get carried away easily with stuff like this. I mean, these girls and Nina Spruk in particular is serious fucken competition for Noora Federley. As you all hopefully fucken know by now. I really dig Noora Federley. Headmistress and the only reason to stay awake during a Seremonia album, or show. Whatever the flying fuck you prefer. Odin knows that Svart Records, the house that Noora built, is only around still cos of her geeky presence. Just fucking saying. By Odin, these girls or Nina Spruk, should do a split album with Merethe Heggset from High Priest Of Saturn. That would rock so fucken hard. Holy shit. Why are we still the fuck just talking about this? Make it happen! Go, just do it! https://www.facebook.com/mist.doom comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Redeye - " Violence " (Finland)

    Violent Journey Records
    Odin knows that Finland is responsible for exactly two worthwhile contributions to the fucken metal scene: the little heard Demilich, and Armi Païvinen. Just fucken saying. Anyway, Redeye is some death/thrash metal band that has been around since 2006 apparently, and has released a bunch of fucken demos that five people heard. If it doesn’t sound fucken appealing, that probably means that it isn’t appealing. So yeah, a bunch of these guys apparently also play in Uhriristi, which is another fucken band I never heard of. Not that "Violence" is fucken terrible, or anything. Oh wait, it is terrible. Terribly uninteresting, and terribly redundant. Depending how you look at it. I dunno. Pretty much the only thing I want to fucken hear from Finland is Demilich, or Cannibal Accident. I should just be fucken honest, and say that I just want to grope Armi Päivinen. Yeah, that will work. Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, so Redeye. Not terribly interesting, but I guess it does well enough for the average retarded metalhead. The artwork lifts its basic fucken concept from Scampultura’s entirely awful "Nation" record, and it is just heavy enough to fit the fucken death metal tag. So yeah, it is about as interesting as watching fucken paint dry. For fuck’s sake, try harder cos this isn’t cutting it, you Finnish pieces of shit. The riffs are fucken cliché and boring, the song structures are predictable, and the only good things are the vocals and the booming bass guitar. The guitar work in ‘Visions Of Violence’ is kinda nice, but that’s fucken extent of it. ‘Die Die Die’ could have been an interesting song if they sped it up more, and not rode that one throwaway two-note groove riff for its fucken entirety. You are better off listening to Sojatumala or fucken Survivors Zero. I could be doing more interesting stuff right now. Like getting fucken drunk, or looking at new Carole Hunt pictures and videos. By Odin, Carole’s huge boobs and ass are the thing of fucken legend. She has a real cute landing strip too. I like it when she wears schoolgirl ponytails. I don’t fucken know what is more appalling, the fact that some label decided to release this, or that this band was offered a contract. Neither of which inspires any fucken confidence in this joke of an industry. Violence? What fucken violence? The only violence this thing inspires is me fucken throwing it off iTunes. Fuck the fuck off before I fuck you all up. No. I’d rather look at Armi Päivinen’s ass… http://www.violentjourneyrecords.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 5
  • Agony Face - " CLX The Stormy Quibblings " (Italy)

    My Kingdom Music
    Excuse me while I don’t exactly fall out of my chair in excitement when you fucken tell me this band of fluorized men is from fucken Italy. We all know what the fuck that usually means. Odin knows that most Italian metal bands suck harder than the average chick on Exploited College Girls. I mean, can you fucken blame me? Agony Face uses a similar fucken logo font as the absolutely craptastic Fleshgod Apocalypse (stop masturbating already, these guys were fucken awful when they were still called Tyrannical Ethical Reconstruction) and the artwork looks like a fucken Epica record. And no, Simone Simons’ ginormous boobs are nowhere to be found here. Sadly. We could use some of that right now. So, fuck you. Holy fucken shit, dudes. Apparently there exists death metal from Italy that doesn’t completely fucken blow. In fact, this is exactly the type stuff I enjoy. If you like Death circa "Human", "Unquestionable Presence" era Atheist and Cynic’s more atmospheric explorations. This is the shit you need to fucken hear. These pasta-eating pieces of shit actually use plenty of solos, acoustics, sound effects and make the bass guitar integral to the fucken songwriting. Holy fucken shit. Here was I fucken thinking that this sort of death metal was relegated to fucken nostalgia. I stand fucken corrected. Oh sure, the thing looks completely fucken goofy - and the hardcore vocals are acquired taste, but the rest of it is fucken amazing. So if you ever get fucken tired of the overblown circus music that is Fleshgod Apocalypse, or the continual blast that is Hour Of Penance. Seriously. Shit. Can those bands get anymore awful? But anyway, Agony Face. Stupid name, pretty fucken awesome otherwise. Seriously, so here’s a band that combines several fucken aspects of classic bands and throws in other random bits and packs it with extra blasts to appeal to modern audiences. I swear it to fucken Odin, some of these sound effects remind me of Space Quest. Yeah, fucken Space Quest. Roger Wilco. Just saying. This is seriously fucken weird at times, but the death metal parts are actually pretty fucken solid. This reminds me a lot of fucken Scrambled Defuncts from Russia, but more jumpy and bouncy, and not nearly as old Deeds Of Flesh like. I don’t know about you assholes, but this is a lot better than what usually comes out of Italy. Not that that is saying much. I have no idea where My Kingdom Music found these guys, but for once I’m fucken glad they sent me their promo. So, there. Ugh! http://www.mykingdommusic.net comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 8
  • Beyond Visions - " Your Face Is Familiar " (Sweden)

    Sliptrick Records
    Beyond Visions describe themselves as a "crazy rockband from Stockholm, Sweden" and their bandpicture is about as dull as fucken dishwater. That doesn’t mean they aren’t fucken worthwhile, cos they most certainly are. Odin knows that a lot of female-fronted metal these days is nothing but absolutely fucken terrible. It also helps that their singer Rebecka sounds like the singer of Kosheen (who are more fucken metal than you. Fuck you!). Usually when an album is described as "emotional stories about life situations" I feel like fucken putting needles in my ears, or there’s the sudden urge to projectile vomit from multiple orifices. Just saying. Suprisingly this band is not from Italy. Yeah, fucken surprising considering what this album is about. This is usually the type of subject that a bunch of crying, effeminate men from Italy sing about. So yeah, somebody will probably end up calling this band "progressive" for whatever dumb reason, but it hardly is. Yeah, it’s mildly technical, if you are into that sort of fucken thing. In fact, this sounds just like Echoes Of Eternity - if they were any good. Yeah, Francine Boucher’s boobs are way bigger than this singer’s, but here the music is actually good. Yeah, at times music is actually more important than boobs. Who knew? Actually Beyond Visions is more metal too. Most of the time I forget Echoes Of Eternity is a metal band cos they are so fucken fluffy and cuddly. Not that I mind that. For fucken reals, that ‘Voices In A Dream’ video looks like a L’Oreal or lingerie commercial. Not that I fucken mind. I would love to fucken cuddle with miss Boucher, or with Rebecka from this band. But anyway, "Your Face Is Familiar" sounds familiar, looks familiar but is completely fucken worthwhile. It’s heavy, it’s groovy and a bit technical with easy digestible vocals that aren’t completely fucken overblown or overindulgent. It is still no match for old The Gathering and the likes, but you gotta fucken take what you can get. The odds of finding good female fronted metal are as slim as finding a good band on Sumerian Records. So yeah. It’s from Sweden, it’s completely fucken cheesy but Rebecka makes it worthwhile. It’s hardly the stuff of legend, but considering the underground consists of salivating apes, I’m surprised this is as decent as it is. So, go buy it now and support miss Rebecka. http://www.sliptrickrecords.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Brood Of Hatred - " Skinless Agony " (Tunisia)

    Crime Records
    With a bandname taken from a song off Suffocation’s "Pierced From Within", you probably expected this to be fucken US death metal, right? Well, no. Tunesia’s Brood Of Hatred play a more European kind of death metal, much like Germany’s little heard Golem and its "Dreamweaver" record on Nuclear Blast. Not that I’m complaining. Just fucken saying. I suppose I’m to fall out of my fucken chair that some assholes from Tunisia were able to record and release an album in Europe. Boo fucken hoo. The production is typically modern: sterile, plastic, flat as a fucken pancake and completely fucken artificial. You can hear the bass plucking away, that’s a start. This is played fucken slow too, which is a breather. At least these sad sacks of shit remember to write songs and not noodle endlessly. Oh yeah, it certainly is brutal, I’ll give them that much. I suppose these sad sacks of shit really like PowerMorbid 5000 and Death, cos it has signatures of both. The riffs are kinda angular, the whole thing sounds kinda fucken mechanical. Hey, the solo’ing is pretty sweet. I’m usually not a fucken fan of this type dry and lifeless sort of modern death metal, but this is pretty tolerable. No, this is pretty good even. The cover artwork looks like the typical metalcore or deathcore album, and Odin knows how the fuck the artwork is supposed to relate to the album title - but here we go asking questions again. Never a good idea in underground death metal, or metal in general. So, uhm, Brood Of Hatred don’t sound nearly as hateful as their name suggest, nor do they remotely worship Suffocation - and that’s okay. There were enough Suffocation rip-offs in the 90s, Odin knows we don’t need any fucken more of them. I have no idea what "Skinless Agony" is supposed to mean, but this is a pretty good record. It doesn’t have any atmosphere whatsoever, and it is completely fucken emaciated by the sterile production, but at least it has songs. Memorable ones even. That’s fucken rare in the genre these days. Just fucken saying. Brood Of Hatred is death metal that isn’t stupid. http://broodofhatred.bandcamp.com, www.crimerecords.no comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Chestburster - " The Ultimate Experience In Grueling Terror " (UK)

    Nailjar Records
    Lay down that bong, and pay attention for a minute, you dipshits. Despite the fact that the UK is more known for its obsession with big fucken tits than grindcore, here’s a nice little something. The UK usually makes me fucken think about Hayley Marie Coppin, Ivy Nedkova or Emma Kuziara. You know, big fucken tits. Natural ones, preferably. I can wax fucken poetically for days on end about the finer anatomical points of Coppin, Nedkova or Kuziara. Just saying. This is the second release I hear from Nailjar Records and once again it is a fucken faceripper. Holy fucken shit, dudes. No, really. This sounds just like "Scum" and "From Enslavement to Obliteration" era Napalm Death. This is horror-obsessed grindcore (or hardcore, depending on your fucken perspective), and while it is hardly fucken inventive, it at least is fucken effective. By Odin, why does it always take a tiny label to show the major labels how to fucken do it? I know the average, semi-retarded metalhead can’t tell his head from his asshole, but why isn’t there more fucken stuff like this? Chestburster is just straight-up grindcore of the traditional variety: punk-based, super short songs, three riffs, plenty of fucken blasts and one pissed off singer. Oh, fuck you too. It has the usual boring b-movie samples, and the funniest thing is probably the song titles - but then again, metal was never particularly known for its fucken intelligence. I’ve said it before and I’ll fucken say it again: Lucy Briggs’ enormous round ass is the thing of legend, and Bryoni-Kate Williams is seriously fucken hot. I don’t know about you fucken assholes but that’s the stuff that keeps me coming back. You know, Lucy Briggs’ enormous round ass… I mean, good honest-to-Odin grindcore. We don’t get nearly enough of that around these fucken parts. Just saying. That’s about all you need to fucken know whether you’d like this or not. I’m way too fucken drunk to waste more words, or energy on this band, and their fucken album. So yeah, fuck off already if you don’t like this. That probably means you either a stupid, glue-sniffing, inbred sister fucking kid, or a fucken hipster. Either way, fuck you and I hope you get driven over by a bus full of drooling retards. Come back when you are all grown up so I can bash your stupid head in. I’m gonna play this record again, and I’m gonna fucken grind. http://www.nailjar.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Embryonic Devourment - " Reptilian Agenda " (USA)

    Deepsend Records
    Holy fucken shit. A death metal band, from California - and it doesn’t fucken blow. Who knew? I had about fucken given up on Cali death metal. If there’s one fucken thing you can rely on with California death metal is that it’s always ready to imitate the next big thing. I mean fuck knows most California death metal was dumb and stupid enough before everybody in the late 90s started imitating Deeds Of Flesh and Disgorge. Odin knows that being dumb and stupid worked miracles for Sepsism. Fuck you, we all know most California bands were too fucken busy imitating Cannibal Corpse and Suffocation to actually bother creating a sound of their own. Just fucken saying. It took until fucken 2007, and Odious Mortem’s second album before anybody got a fucken clue. Not that it changed much of anything, but at least all those felon, drug addicted sad sacks of shit were now imitating Death, fucken Watchtower and Atheist instead. For fuck’s sake, are people still going on about California death metal? It is fucken stupid. That’s fucken what. So yeah, apparently these ugly men read too many of the works by David Icke, and this is their second album dealing with the subject. At least they are not singing about Satan, or fucking dead dogs. At least we’re making making fucken progress on one front. Here’s the fucken thing, tho. Embryonic Devourment was always better than their more fucken popular peers. Probably the only fucken band next to Sepsism that has a sound of its own. Holy fucken shit, dudes. That is as rare as finding a picture from Sofi A from Met-Art where she’s clothed. Not only does this fucken band have the same line-up and label as their previous record, this stuff is just fucken better than most Cali death metal. Not that that is saying fucken much, but it was worth pointing out. Odin knows that the only Cali I prefer is fucken Cali Logan. Cos let’s be fucken honest here: California is known for porn first, and death metal maybe second. So, yeah, fuck you very much. This sci-fi angle isn’t exactly new either, but at least these fucks are trying to do something novel. For which I applaud them. If only the rest of California would be as intelligent. Not that that is going to happen, so in the meantime I hope Cali Logan continues to take her clothes off on film. Just fucken saying. Priorities, you assholes. Remember them? http://www.deepsend.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 8
  • Disfigurement - " Soul Rot " (USA)

    Boris Records/Clawhammer
    When I fucken saw this promo coming up in my review queue, I frankly felt like stuffing my ears and taking that long overdue nap. Can you fucken blame me, asswipe? A band called Disfigurement (truly fucken creative) and an EP called "Soul Rot" (two random words put together. Fucken deep, guys. For reals). Odin knows the US death metal scene is really fucken pathetic, stagnant and creatively inert. Excuse me while I don’t fucken start jumping up and down in fucken excitement. Contrary to the lot of you, I have been fucken around the bend, and shit like this no longer excites me. It’s hard to fucken believe that death metal was actually, at one point, good. At least once every blue fucken moon there comes a fucken record to remind you that the genre still is legitimately good. What the fuck else is there? Oh yeah, this band is one of two fucken US acts called Disfigurement (the other one comes from San Antonio, Texas) and they debut with this fucken EP on Boris Records. Who? I know, dude. I never fucken heard of this stupid label before either. "Soul Rot" is a lot of things, but it mostly is fucken good. Which is fucken rare in itself cos death metal at this point is as much of a joke as black metal. Just saying. Odin knows good death metal is fucken hard to come by, so it is a joy to have a band like this. If a Stockholm and Florida death metal band ever got into a fight, it would result in something like this. Which is to say, this sounds like a lot like old Malevolent Creation ("The Ten Commandments") and, say, old Necrophobic in terms of fucken vocals. Oh yeah, you can hear the fucken bass guitar too, and there’s plenty of fiery solo’ing. I’m fucken impressed. No, really. I don’t fucken particularly care who is in this band, or where this EP was recorded – cos honestly… who the fuck cares?! All I can fucken say is: sign me up for more of this cos this is better than the fucken majority of modern day death metal, old school or otherwise, and shit. Which isn’t saying a lot, cos every two bit scumbag with a guitar is working on their own little fucken death metal project. I bet you a case of beer some dumb schmuck right now is contemplating compiling that promo mail of his/her "must-hear" and "critically acclaimed" studio band. Acclaimed by fucken who? Your moms? She’s just fucken embarrassed she had you, you fucken asshole. Fuck you, and whoever you conned into producing your piece of shit little record this time. Fuck whichever basement label "contracted" your crappy band. I hope I never live to hear it. That aside, "Soul Rot" is pretty good. Not something you’ll lose sleep over, or something that will make you loved with the girls. Just saying. For death metal it could have been a lot fucken worse. So yeah, good EP from a band that is probably waiting to drive around the country in a dingy van, to sleep in parkings and on dirty floors. You know, to play in stinking divebars to five or ten fucken illiterate and semi-retarded tools. Yeah, "support the underground" and all that shit. It might excite you, it no longer does anything for me. I need a beer. I’m fucken outta here. http://www.boris-records.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Lucid Skies - " Hounds " (Canada)

    Asher Media
    This is just the type of music I need to get fucken away from all that awful subpar death – and black metal shit I get sent all the time. Fucken angry hardcore. The good stuff. The 90s kind. Short, angry, to-the fucken-point. Long on the urban aggression, short on composition. The kind of hardcore that makes you want to fucken grab a baseball bat and go to town and fucken bash in some heads from fools. This reminds me of early Pro-Pain, with that punky/melodic thing that Madball has – and screamed tough-guy vocals (and gang shouts) like Blood For Blood or Hatebreed. Yeah, fucken Hatebreed was good once. Long ago. Fuck you. I wish more fucken death metal was like this. Yeah, for fucken reals. You can actually hear the bass guitar popping away. But this, holy shit, this is actually good. I’m fucken impressed, dudes. Seriously. These guys should fucken tour with Cause For Revelation, and you would see the fucken stupid kids flying from one side to the other. Black eyes, broken bones and severed limbs fucken everywhere. Oh yeah, fuck you too. The singer is totally fucken monotoneous, and there is a grand total of three fucken different riffs on this EP – but, by Odin, who the fuck cares at this point? This is total party music. Don’t fucken ask me what the differences between these songs are cos I couldn’t fucken tell you. All I fucken know is that this is super lean, and mean sounding hardcore. There’s a good fucken schwung and it grooves pretty hard too. I’d rather listen to this than Machine Head, just saying. I should be groping Hannah Sharp right now instead of reviewing some dumb fucken extreme metal album. Not that I’m complaining. Just saying. Apparently they are from Alberta, Canada. I personally fucken prefer Vancouver, British Colombia cos they have Katie Banks. As we all fucken know Katie Banks has ginormous boobs, and that’s all that matters. Anyway, long story fucken short. "Hounds" sounds like the better hardcore of the 90s. It’s raw, it’s dirty but still retains some melody. Not the fucken stuff that you want to listen to every day, but it is leagues better than that awful fucken emo stuff that is passed off as "hardcore" these days. Odin knows that most of that more than fucken wretched. This is not. Fuck off. comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Promiscuity - " Basic Instinct " (Israel)

    Self-financed
    Odin knows this fucken retro metal movement needs to fucken die already. There are hardly any good fucken bands in that genre. No, for fucken reals. Name me one band that doesn’t completely blow, or that isn’t loved by glue-sniffing stupid kids, or loved by giant earlobe and scene haircut wearing hipster douchebags. You’re fucken sure Promiscuity is really from Israel, of all fucken places? Holy crap, dudes. This sounds a lot like that Swedish retro black/thrash metal band Bewitched, you know, back when they were still fucken awesome. It’s like "Kill Em All" Metallica got drunk and high with "Diabolical Desecration" Bewitched. I’m head banging like a fucken maniac - even though I’m still fucken hung over. Oh, fuck you too. It’s just a 4 track EP, one of the tracks being the usual ‘Into the Crypts Of Rays’ that has been fucken covered by five thousand metal bands at this fucken point. It still rocks, though. Holy shit. I don’t know where these guys recorded this EP, but it sounds very ‘80s or early ‘90s. Holy fucken crap, this is the kind of production work that I absolutely fucken adore. Pounding drums, fucken thundering bass guitar and absolutely fucken sick and serpentine vocals. Yeah, the band name and album title is completely fucken goofy, and the artwork looks a lot like "Walpurgis – Sabbath Of Lust" by Dutch speed/thrash metal band Inquisitor. You know, I will never fucken understand why all these fucken douchebag hipster bands these days yap on about how "technical" and "progressive" they consider themselves to be. Who gives a flying fuck about shit like that? Give me a fucken band like Promiscuity. This is dirty, drunken black/thrash metal fueled by alcohol, and ganja. Shit, dudes. I don’t how long you fucken hipster douchebags will continue to viciously masturbate to pictures of Muhammed Suiçmez – cos unlike that piece of shit band Promiscuity actually do know how to fucken write a song. Fuck you very much, asshole. I have no fucken clue what "Basic Instinct" exactly this bunch of drunken Israelis are referring to, and frankly I have no interest to find out. What I do want to know if there are other glamour models worth remembering besides Liraz Dror. I have no idea why I mentioned her. Maybe cos she fucken remembers of Floor Janssen, minus the piercings and heaving chest. Just saying. But yeah, four tracks, lots of booze and some fucken ganja and this is the ideal party music. We all know the underground is fucken terrible. This is not. Go buy it now. comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Secrets Of the Sky - " To Sail Black Waters " (USA)

    Kolony Records
    We all fucken know that doom metal has been fucken terrible ever since horribly overrated hipster bands as Ghost BC and The Devil’s Blood became popular. Not to mention the fucken influx of weak Black Sabbath knockoffs on every label imaginable. By Odin, I used to remember when doom metal was good. That was a long fucken time ago and about the only question you can fucken as yourself these days is: exactly how much will fucken shit suck? Secrets Of the Sky play doom metal and hail from Oakland, California. Holy fucken shit, if that isn’t enough to make you fucken run for cover I know not what is. I’m actually fucken surprised this band doesn’t contain any former members of the horrible Machine Head, or Decrepit Birth. In all honesty, this isn’t too shabby. No. This sounds a fucken lot like Officium Triste, "Like Gods Of the Sun" My Dying Bride or Shape Of Despair’s more uptempo material. I know, not exactly the pinnacle of fucken doom extremity, but there you fucken have it. As I fucken said, this is actually pretty good. Not amazing obviously, but decent. Especially if you fucken consider this is written by dumb Americans from sunny California – and the fact that this band was fucken hyped by the incompetent and lazy stoners from MetalSucks. Yeah. Fuck you Axl and Vince. Fuck you very much. I could have fucken done without those limp emo vocals, and beyond the fucken cheesy Tuomas’ Midlife Crisis, erm, Nightwish styled artwork this is actually pretty good. Not something I’d lose fucken sleep over, but yeah. Secrets Of the Sky is tolerable. If they could ever fucken decide whether they’d want to be actual fucken doom, or really slow heartbreak metal for depressed tween girls. Which is more than you can fucken say about most piece of shit underground metal. I know. Shut up. I’d rather put up with a depressed tween girl than a piece of shit metal band. I rather have a confused girl putting out, than this band putting out another album. I sure as fucken hell know which I would fucken choose. No, really. The only waters you’ll be sailing are the ones of my toilet as I fucken flush you guys through. This might appeal to the average hipster, but I’ve grown tired of fucken shit. I’ll go and listen Thergothon instead. http://www.kolonyrecords.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Under Attack - " The Aftermath " (Sweden)

    Lake Of Fire Productions/Bifrost Records
    By Ruby Jones’ tits, this shit again?! I don’t know about you longhaired primates, but I’ve about fucken had it with all these fucken pointless retro speed/thrash metal bands. For fuck’s sake, I know that metalheads are a stupid bunch that wants nothing more than some background noise to bang their empty heads to – but this is fucken pointless, and well, fucking redundant. That isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy what these Swedish fuckers are doing, cos I do. It’s just all so fucken vanilla and low aiming. Odin knows that I enjoy me some fucken Judas Priest, early Slayer, Venom and Motörhead every once in a fucken blue moon, but "The Aftermath" is… what exactly? Fuck knows I’m not nearly drunk enough to find this tolerable, but I like the fucken idea. Apparently some of these guys played in the entirely awful Styggelse before this, and since that is a band two people bothered with, it is no surprise that Under Attack came to be. Just look at that horrendously fucken awful artwork. For fuck’s sake, why wasn’t this drawing sent to Ed Repka, or fucken Necrolord to actually work with? I suppose the band was way too fucken drunk, or the labels couldn’t be bothered to actually exercise some quality control cos this shit sounds like it needed some extra work on... about every fucken front. For fuck’s sake, try harder you felon pieces of shit. It has the usual fucken samples of howling wolves, artillery fire, etc. I’m surprised there weren’t any stupid samples of moaning women/girls. What is the fucken point of this EP? Drunken black/speed/heavy metal is about the trendiest fucken subgenre right now, and this is the best that you guys could put on the fucken market? Geez. Morgan from Marduk could write this record three times a week, with one hand tied behind his fucken back and still beat you guys at your own fucken pathetic game. And then people in bands are fucken surprised when nobody buys their fucken albums. Well, I have news for you, you fucken pieces of shit: write better music. This would have worked as a fucken proof-of-concept, or a pre-production demo – but this just isn’t good enough. Try harder. If you want this stuff done right, buy a fucken Nifelheim or Superchrist album. I’ve had it with this shit. Fuck you! http://www.lake-of-fire.se comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 5
  • Hell:On - " Hunt " (Ukraine)

    Ferrrum.com
    Contrary to fucken popular belief I don’t fucken hate everything, or everyone. The fact of the fucken matter is that a lot of the shit I get sent is just that: shit. Everybody can release an album these fucken days. This is the first release I hear of German label Ferrrum, but apparently they have decent distribution. If they only had good bands on their roster. Not to say that Hell:On is bad, just very ordinary. I mean, fuck me, the barrier for groove/thrash metal is extremely fucken low as it is, but this is the best of the Ukranian scene? For fucken reals? Holy shit, dudes. Odin knows that each and very half decent record gets released by some basement label somewhere. In the 90s this would have been fucken released on Roadrunner Records. Which I’m not sure is a compliment. Just saying. So yeah, Hell:On. They sound a lot like those 90s groove/thrash bands, you know the ones. Skinlab, Machine Head, Fear Factory, Pissing Razors, “Chaos AD” era Sepultura and the likes. I know. Not a fucken ringing endorsement, but what did you expect? This stuff is decent enough, tho. Groovy, angry and energetic groove/thrash that sounds exactly like you think it does. At least there are a ton of really fucken swinging solos, and you can hear the bass guitar popping away. What the fuck is supposed to be the selling point here? Every one of these songs sounds the fucken same. Geez. Was this focus-group created? Artwork by Seth Siro Anton, guest contributions from a guy from Vader and Andy LaRocque (King Diamond, Death) and it’s the sort of thrash metal that appeals to tobacco chewing, truckdriving and tattooed dimwit dudebros whose entire metal collection consists of fucken Pantera and nothing else. Fuck you too! Geez. What the fuck else is there to say about this? They are from fucken Ukraine. I dunno about you assholes, but the last good thing to come from that country was Nina Sotnikova. I know, right? When fucken adult models are more interesting to talk about than the actual fucken record, you know you have a big fucken problem. Hell:On isn’t bad, but Nina is more interesting. Not only cos she takes her clothes off and nice fucken tits, although that certainly fucken helps. No. Are there even other Ukranian bands worth mentioning besides Noktural Mortum? I don’t fucken think so. Fuck off before I fuck you up. http://www.ferrrum.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Lyfthrasyr - " The Engineered Flesh " (Germany)

    Al!ve AG
    Odin knows that the odds of finding good industrial black metal are as slim as me ending up in a three-way with Natalie Thomas and Carla Brown. Just saying. Despite the fucken fact that Mysticum did this already in 1996, the rest of the underground has been struggling to combine both genres in a workable whole ever since. Or you could just ask the fucken obvious question: What if Crionics was actually good? Yeah, bloody fucken unlikely, but at least the krauts of Lyfthrasyr prove that industrial black metal can be done right. I know. Industrial black metal should have been fucken better as a genre than it is. Oh, fuck you too. Dodheimsgard never pioneered anything, neither did the fucken overrated and entirely awful Ulver. Lay down that bong, your brain is fried. I can’t fucken believe that it has taken the genre so long to finally get this right. So here’s finally a fucken band that manages to combine industrial synths and martial beats with blasting death/black metal. Yeah, there’s fucken drummer Tomasz Janiszewksi too, of course, but he’s a fucken session member. Just saying. Not to say that this is terrible, far from it – it just isn’t very fucken remarkable either. It is solid, tho. It kinda does both fucken things at once, but can’t decide what it actually wants to fucken be. Which is fine with me, cos at least “The Engineered Flesh” is better than the average Demon Burger or Dino’s Cheese Factory record, cos this album sounds like both. Shut up. You know, fucken “Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia” but actually good. Yeah, fuck you too. This is average death/black metal with industrial bits and pieces, cos you can fucken take out these industrial segues and the songs would just be fucken mundane death/black metal. Which is a fucken problem right there. Both these genres exist next to each other, and aren’t integrated very well, or at fucken all at that. Which is kinda important if your PR sheet is screaming about “electronically infiltrated postmodern black metal” this and that. Not only is it a fucken mouthful, what exactly is supposed to fucken make this “postmodern”? It is fucken average high-speed death/black metal with standard verse-chorus song structures with the expected biomechanical/dystopian fucken artwork. That’s not being post-modern, that’s being fucken conformist. Geez. That isn’t to say I fucken hate this record. Fuck no. I actually enjoy for what it is. Do you know what I fucken hate? Hyperbole in fucken press sheets written by overpaid marketing tools. No usage of colorful language can fucken hide how fucken terrible most underground metal is. Lyfthrasyr isn’t terrible, just terribly ordinary. Which is okay, just don’t fucken expect me to pat you on the back for it. You wrote a good record, I’m impressed. Now go away. http://www.alive-ag.de comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Necrosis - " Catatonic Psychosis " (UK)

    Self-financed
    Holy fucken shit. In case you thought you heard all there was to hear from fucken worthwhile death metal in the UK, here’s a little something. Personally, I’d prefer to suck Emma Twigg’s nipples, or to pinch Lucy Briggs’ enormous round ass – but in this review game you gotta take what the fuck you can get. Just saying. No. This isn’t that Necrosis. No, and it isn’t that other Necrosis either. This Necrosis comes from the land of big fucken tits, the UK. Which you wouldn’t be able to tell cos this sounds like a US band to me. You know, back when US death metal was actually still good. Long ago. Odin knows the US death metal scene used to be pretty good at one point. Yeah, fuck you. These blowhards sound like Cannibal Corpse and Deicide, back when that used to mean something. You know. Never. Geez. Give it a rest with all these fucken samples. It was dumb when Mortician did it way back fucken when, and it still is dumb now. That isn’t to say “Catatonic Psychosis” is terrible. It is actually pretty fucken tolerable. Which can’t be fucken said about a lot of underground death metal. This band consists of nobody you ever heard of, and we all fucken know that the UK glamour model scene is more interesting to talk about than their fucken death metal scene. Just saying. Cos, let’s be fucken honest here, outside of Benediction, Bolt Thrower and Desecration there’s no other death metal band worth remembering in the UK. So yeah, this is your standard fucken horror-obsessed death metal band, complete with fucken goofy “shocking” artwork, clever songtitles and useless horror movie samples that nobody cares about. The more of this shit I hear, the more I want to turn off my fucken iPod. If half these fucken bands spent as much time on their lyrics and concepts as they did on the music and finding the right samples, we might at one fucken point get good death metal again. Maybe that’s just fucken me. I dunno. I don’t care what you faggots think. Most death metal is fucken terrible these days, at least Necrosis is marginally better than their peers, but the quality level isn’t exactly high to begin with. Fuck you, buddy. I ain’t done just yet. Bear the fuck with me, okay? Geez. I’m feeling particularly fucken forgiving today, or drunk. I couldn’t honestly fucken tell you which is which. So I’m gonna give a fucken pass on the fact that this is painfully unoriginal, and borderline pathetic in terms of musical identity. Cos honestly who the fuck cares? It is not like metal fans have any sort of standard of fucken quality they adhere to. No. You stupid assholes just want something new and “fuckin’ br00dle, brah!”. Well, Necrosis does both of that. I’m not going to say it is good, or terribly innovative in what it does – but it does what it does better than most. Which is more than I usually expect out of fucken underground death metal. Just saying. Seriously, I think I need to lie down now that I heard this. I’m seriously fucken drunk, and Lucy Briggs’ enormous round ass is the thing of fucken legend. Holy crap. http://www.facebook.com/Necrosisuk comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Netherbird - " The Ferocious Tides Of Fate " (Sweden)

    Scarecrow Music Group
    In case you ever wondered what Dark Funeral mixed with Lord Belial or Soulreaper would sound like, here’s fucken Netherbird. Who? Exactly. Apparently we are supposed to fucken care about this bunch of ugly Swedish men cos legendary drum-whore Nils Fjellström is involved. To which I only have to say: Who the fuck cares? Why is this band even signed? Why was this album even released? Netherbird released two shitty albums already, and nobody wants to fucken hear more of them. Plus, twenty years ago there were bands like Unanimated, Sacramentum, Necrophobic and even Dissection that released all and any records you might fucken want from this genre. Which begs the fucken question: why doesn’t this record have Necrolord artwork? For a band trying so fucken hard to ape the 90s Stockholm scene they surely missed out on the visual side of things. Odin knows metal fans are really fucken stupid, so I’m not surprised why such a big deal is currently being made of this band. Fuck knows that most kids are really fucken stupid, and there’s enough hipster douchebags for everyone to go around, but shit, dudes. Most of the records that were a direct fucken influence on Netherbird can still be easily tracked down and bought. Why, by Ruby Jones’ tits, would anyone sane want to waste hard earned cash on a third-generation knock-off when the genuine article can still be easily found? Color me fucken impressed that this band doesn’t include Christian Älvestam, nor Rogga Johansson, cos you sometimes get the fucken impression that those two assholes are in every band in fucken Sweden. Not that Netherbird is fucken terrible or anything. They are terrible, yes. Terribly redundant, cos I could be listening to “The Somberlain” or “Life Erazer” right now, and not this waste of time and resources. There’s better stuff I could be doing. Like looking for new Emma Glover photos, or getting really fucken criminally drunk. Just saying. For fuck’s sake, why I am supposed to fucken care? It sounds good, it is played up to par – but who the fuck cares? Don’t we have enough of this shit already? By Odin, make it fucken stop already. I’m not drunk enough to enjoy this. http://www.scarecrowgroup.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6
  • Zerstörer - " Panzerfaust Justice " (Germany)

    Ashen Productions
    For fuck’s sake, try harder. If the fucken artwork is any indication – yeah, this is exactly as dumb as you think it is. That isn’t to say that Zerstörer isn’t good fun, cos it is. It just isn’t very good. Fuck knows that war-metal (or black/thrash) used to be a practice exclusive to fucken Australia. Which probably explains why this is fucken mediocre. Not that I’m complaining. Just saying. Odin knows that this band really loves Bestial Warlust, Deströyer 666 and Gospel Of the Horns – to which I fucken say: good riddance, but that doesn’t fucken mean we needed another horrible throwback record from a bunch of German sad sacks of shit. At the chance of sounding like a fucken broken record: why was this released? Fuck knows a lot of stupid shit gets released every fucken year, but this is a new low for the genre. Everything about this stupid fucken album is riddled with clichés. The goofy artwork, the song titles, the fucken dumb album title – all tick every dumb black metal stereotype you can imagine and outside of the thick, earthy production there isn’t a single thing that hasn’t been fucken done better about fifteen fucken years ago. Holy fucken shit. This is just what we needed. More horrible crap churned out by fucken clueless fucks while I could be listening to something else right now. No wonder nobody spoke about this horrible album when it came out in 2010. I’d be fucken surprised if this album sold more than ten copies. Shit, dudes. We all fucken know that black metal is a fucken joke, and shit like this isn’t exactly helping. Holy crap. I don’t care what you faggots think. If this is the best from the German scene, no wonder I fucken stopped taking black metal seriously long ago. This is fucken shitty. This makes Necromessiah sound good - which isn’t a compliment, asshat. What the flying fuck is supposed to be the selling point from this record? Odin knows there’s better fucken stuff than this horrible piece of shit band, and I fucken advise you to find it. I should have fucken known. I should have fucken trusted myself. Black metal from Germany. Haha. Is there even good German black metal? Oh yeah, Darkened Nocturn Slaughtercult… and that’s about it. I should be doing other stuff right now. Liking staring at pictures from Jocelyn-Kay Lewis or Kirstie Patterson, or getting fucken insanely and obscenely drunk. Whatever the fuck else is better than sitting though this godawful, piece of shit band. Fuck you, and fuck whoever thought this was worthwhile to release. I hope your label goes fucken bankrupt, and that your warehouse burns the fuck down. Fuck you. http://www.ashenproductions.net comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 5
  • Caelestis - " Heliocardio " (Italy)

    Ronin Agency
    Seriously. Why aren’t there more fucken bands like this. Caelestis is from… wait for it… Italy, and they play fucken alternative metal, or poppy gothic metal. Depending who you want to believe. Whatever the fuck you prefer. I dunno. I fucken decided to love this band on basis of its promo picture. No, seriously. Fucken hell. Odin knows I like my girls either nerdy, or busty (and preferably both), but this chick singer from this band. Holy crap, dudes. She has long legs, a sultry voice like Laura Pausini and fucken blue facepaint like Faith from Mirror’s Edge (seriously, check that game out, dimwits). Oh, fuck you too. Vera should have her own website, with lots of photos and videos. Clothing optional. Yeah, they sound a lot like Lacuna Coil (when they were still fucken good) or Evanescence, but here’s the thing: “Heliocardio” is actually fucken amazing. I mean, fuck me, this is a thinly veiled pop record with the occasional metal windowdressing. Just fucken listen to ‘Crollano Le Stelle’ (and its monumentally awkward transitions) or ‘Anatomia Spaziale’ - those are just Coldplay songs waiting to happen. Where was I? So, yeah. The chick is fucken hot. I like her. Long legs, black hair, she’s not particularly chesty – but fucken nerdy. You can see her wanting to pull her hair back, rip her shirt off and sing her cute little heart out. I think Armi Päivinen met her match. The promo video for the first track they shot is fucken epic. Not in production values, or story boards. Just the band and the chick singer dancing around in some forest. I swear I almost got Jésus Franco Manera visions, except the chick kept her clothes on. The singer Vera Clinco can come and dance for me in her stockings any fucken day of the week. In just her stockings, the rest is optional. The video is a totally fucken funny with the guitarist wearing an Anaal Nathrakh shirt, and the tubby drummer sporting his fucken trendy Meshuggah shirt. The behind-the-scenes and blooper real is even funnier. Holy crap. Can this Vera chick get any more hotter? Fucken hell. Why is this sold as a metal -, or even an alternative rock band? The synthesizer, piano and sound effects make this sound as fucken Enigma record. Not that I mind. I fucken love me some Enigma. That break in ‘The Return To Innocence’ is fucken epic. The EP concludes with a cover from Red Sky, who I’ve never heard of. Anyway, “Heliocardio” sounds amazing, looks amazing and has a fucken attractive singer. I have no idea who this is supposed to appeal to, but sign me up for more Vera. Viva Vera! http://www.roninagency.it comment it (1) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Cvinger - " Monastery Of Fallen " (Slovenia)

    Metal Music Detector Promotions
    Hey, this actually isn’t too fucken shabby for once. Cvinger. A black metal band from Slovenia that sounds just like Sabathan-era Enthroned and Legion-era Marduk. It is featuring former Bleeding Fist drummer Alex Destradi no less. Holy fucken shit. Normally that sort of stuff makes me all kinds of angry, but this shit simply rocks. Odin knows good black metal is hard to come by. By Ruby Jones’ tits, this sounds just like “Prophecies Of Pagan Fire” and “Opus Nocturne” with the kind of slightly growled rasp you expect of early Enslaved. The production is completely fucken necro, and that is just how this sort of stuff is supposed to sound. The guitar tone is fucken crunchy tho, and those drums… Holy fuck, they remind me of “Schizophrenia” Sepultura. You know, the only fucken thing that is missing is some chaotic solo’ing. Nothing fancy, just random noise cos these songs are hard to fucken tell apart. There are three atmospheric interludes that really don’t fucken add anything. One of them has an acoustic guitar bit. If that is supposed to imitate John Zwetsloot’s fragile acoustic guitar pieces on the classic two Dissection albums from way back fucken when, then you fucken need to try harder already. Holy shit, you can even hear the bass guitar. I don’t know whether I should call this black metal, death metal or thrash metal, cos it has elements of all three. Who the fuck cares about classification any way?! I don’t know what I like more. The fact that this sounds like a fucken Scandinavian black metal album from the early 90s, or the fact that it ticks every box imaginable, and just runs with it… hard. I should fucken hate this on account that it sounds really derivative and generic, but I just fucken can’t. You see, asshat, Cvinger possess gusto, hunger and a fire that a lot of other fucken painted clowns don’t. We all know black metal is a fucken joke at this point (death metal is no better), so we need fucken bands like Cvinger. They stay traditional but mix things up just enough to remind us why we are fucken here in the first place. Like that Autopsy break in the closing section of the title track. Fucken grand, fucken dark and fucken oppressive sounding. Holy shit. Black metal done right, it still exists. Who fucken knew? Yeah, the monk chants and choirs are completely fucken goofy, but I suppose that is what black metal purists demand these days. Sign me up for more of this shit. This shit I can tolerate. http://www.officialabyssrecords.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 7
  • Enshadowed - " Magic Chaos Psychedelia " (Greece)

    Pulverised Records/Hammer Of Damnation Production/Aphelion Productions
    You wouldn’t say this is a Greek band, cos this sounds fucken Scandinavian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just saying. Enshadowed features the guitarist from Burial Hordes, which probably explains the similar riffing style. I don’t fucken know exactly what purpose this band is supposed to serve, cos there are hundreds just like it. More power to them if they want to invest so much time in a band that has no future beyond the local fucken scene. Just don’t fucken expect me to pat you on the back for it, asshat. This is just what we needed. So yeah, this sounds fucken Scandinavian with the occasional Morbid Angel, Behemoth and USDM chord progression thrown in keep things interesting. I suppose. It doesn’t sound interesting at all, and I’m fucken struggling to stay awake. Odin knows all these bands sound the fucken same, and they all do the same trick. Not that any of it is interesting, but there you have it. Seriously, how much fucken more of these bands do we need? Haven’t we got enough of this crap already? Holy fucken shit. I know not what is fucken worse. The fact that we have yet another of these useless bands, or that some washed up label exec thought this was worth releasing. Shit, dudes. For fuck’s sake, you’re from Greece – do something with that already. Instead of integrating ethnic instrumentation or folk melodies Enshadowed is another band that apes the Norwegian bands of the 90s, and does absolutely nothing interesting with it. There’s not an original thought anywhere on this album, outside of the female Arabic singing on the last track. Was there any thought put into this? Doesn’t fucken sound like it. Oh please, make it stop already. I got better stuff to do. Like staring at Natasha Anastasia’s firm, big juicy boobs, pinching her bubble butt or get really fucken criminally drunk. Either option works for me, dipshit. I suppose this is pretty much on the level of Dark Funeral or Setherial, but how much is that saying? That it is competent but entirely fucken faceless? Yeah, probably. I don’t even know why anybody would want to imitate Dark Funeral. They are fucken terrible, and pointless. Holy fucken crap, dudes. Who are these people, and where do they come from? The black metal scene is a fucken joke, and while Enshadowed is marginally better than most that still doesn’t excuse the existence of hundreds of absolutely fucken dreadful bedroom projects. The less I have to hear of these bands the better. This I can stomach, tho, but that doesn’t make it a recommendation. comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 5
  • Suture - " Carnivorous Urge To Kill " (USA)

    Comatose Music/Clawhammer
    Oh please, make it stop already. What do you fucken get when you re-record and re-issue an album that three people were interested in when it was originally released in 2002? A fucken waste of time, that’s what. Suture was a very stupid band from Baton Rouge, Louisiana that released an album that was hot in the underground for the grand total of five fucken seconds. Yeah, big fucken deal. Some deadbeat band released an album and played a few shows to its illiterate fans. Who the fuck cares? “Carnivorous Urge To Kill” was stupid, and dumb in 2002, and in 2013 it only serves to remind that Suture was the first sign of the fucken widespread retardation of the American (and international) death metal scene. Just saying. This album shouldn’t have been fucken re-issued, it should have been burned, buried and never be spoken of again. Holy fucken shit, dudes. Suture was never “legendary”. This album never was a “must-have for everybody’s brutal death metal collection”. At best it was some fucken background noise, and at worst an excellent fucken beer coaster. The fuck is wrong with all these PR folks these days? Unlike the fucken stupid kids and hipster douchebags I’m not fucken easily impressed and swayed by fucken expensive words, asshat. Odin knows I actually fucken remember when this album first came out, and people weren’t exactly fucken running out in the street screaming for the album. No. Like fucken Pyrexia and, say, Catastrophic “Carnivorous Urge To Kill” was a low-key release from a stupid useless band that never went anywhere – and with good reason. I don’t care what you faggots think. This band was terrible and uninteresting then, and they certainly still are now. This fucken piece of revisionist death metal history is all good fun, but I didn’t buy it then and I certainly don’t fucken buy it now. For fuck’s sake, try harder. Labels try to peddle shit all the time, and most of these scumbags use all the classic marketing techniques that are in the book. Maybe you assmunchers can pull wool over the eyes of the average, semi-retarded metalhead, but that shit don’t fly with me. Instead of releasing an actual honest-to-Odin new album these sad sacks of shit from Louisiana re-recorded a fucken terrible album from 2002? What the flying fuck is that supposed to accomplish? It’s not like these guys are actually making any money from it, or getting any younger. I got better stuff to do than listen to this piece of shit death metal revisionism. I’ve about had it with all these stupid fucken labels. This is just what we needed. More useless clutter that stupid, glue sniffing kids can buy to prove how fucken metal they are. Dude, shut up. I’m fucken drunk right now, and this shit is still terrible. Which probably means it is terrible. Fuck you, and whoever thought this was a good idea. May your seed grow impotent. http://www.comatosemusic.com comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 4
  • Ygodeh - " The Interrupted Experiment " (Latvia/UK)

    Inverse Records/Secret Entertainment
    I swear that the opening synth melody to ‘To Down’ sounds like the fucken midi music from the 1993 shooter Doom. I’m not even fucken exaggerating for once. Holy shit, dudes. Not that I don’t like Ygodeh’s core of an idea, I do – I just fucken hate the way these sad sacks of shit executed and recorded it. Hello? Where was this recorded? In a cardboard box at minimum volume and probably underwater? I can tolerate cheap productions, or home recorded albums, but at fucken least try to sound clear, or heavy, or crunchy. Yeah, fuck you, every instrument sounds halfway decent, but nothing contains any fucken heft. You could have fucken fooled me passing this off as death metal. I mean, it sounds like death metal, and it has several elements of it, but it is not it. Geez. So you have a grunt, heavy riffs, solos and occasionally a blast? Big fucken deal. That doesn’t make your stupid band death metal, and what is with all those fucken electronic blips, beeps, samples and keyboards? Is this a death metal record, or the unofficial soundtrack to the 1993 Doom? Holy fucken shit. I’m pretty fucken sure that some clueless buffoon somewhere is labeling this as “progressive” or “technical”, but how true is that? Not fucken much. Doing what every other band does is not progressive, that is being conformative. Fuck you very much, asshat. It’s like this fucken band can’t decide what it wants to be. A symfo technical metal band, or a more melodic Death, and Cynic inspired death metal band. Right fucken now Ygodeh is a bit of fucken everything and a whole lot of nothing. As I fucken said, I like the idea. It just needed a bit more work. Just fucken look at the glorious clusterfuck that is the cover art (and logo) of this band. Holy fucken shit. Odin knows there’s a lot of really stupid, and really dumb artwork to be found in the metal scene, but this fucken tops it. A ‘80s thrash logo on a green-black, supremely cheap The Matrix knock-off? This should have been at least mediocre, or halfway decent – and for the most part it is. I’m as fucken surprised as you are, dipshit. Third time is the charm, apparently. A record on Inverse Records that doesn’t completely blow. Who knew? Let’s hope these schmucks don’t fuck up whenever the release another fucken record. I’m not counting on it. Metallers are fucken stupid. Go die in a fire, or something. I’m way too fucken drunk to hate this. This is pretty tolerable stuff. Not amazing, but decent. That should be enough for you dipshits. I got better stuff to do. Like searching for new Holly Eriksson pictures. Yeah, I’ll do that. Fuck off already. http://www.inverse.fi comment it (0) Flemming Gabin / 6

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